I met a boy. . .  Goodness here we go. . . He is only noteworthy because I'm in like with him already....That never happens , well it did once. Maybe this one will be different perhaps? A girl can dream. 

***M

synapse, gangleon, the cerebellum, and stimulation

I got a new position and started it on monday. It's incredibly fun and easy and in no way very challenging at all, which, would make it seem like somewhat of a perfect job... fun, easy, I make good money, etc. But, there is nothing about it that challenges me, forces me to problem solve, or use my brain in much more ways than to say, "yeah dude those look (rock and roll, money, hot, awesome, tight...whatever descriptive word you choose) on you and that size it perfect too" just to get the man to buy the $300 pair of denim. Granted there is more to the job than that it's just that it mostly seems to be common sense. 

I think maybe it's that I'm totally stuck in the decision making process between what I should really do, and what I can do to just get by. It sounds like an easy decision, but it's not for some reason. Maybe it will be an easier decision once I hear back about another position in the company in which it would be vital to use my intelligence? 

Feeling stuck is ridiculous and not good for my well being I believe ... man. 

I think I'm going to find something to take up my time like, a puppy, or a cooking class, or maybe I will learn french... those all sound appealing.

***M

hmm

I think when I die in order for things to be easier for everyone still living on this fine planet I'm going to negotiate with the big man upstairs that instead of everyone waisting their time on dating perhaps we should all just see a big red arrow atop the person's  head who is the supposed "one" for us.... we should also come built with all of the knowledge of what it is to treat your spouse or whathaveyou with respect....romance should also be built in. ... just a thought..... when did romance die? and when did it  become ok for every man to be an arrogant prick? these are just a few of the questions I have.

***M

So I have this job where I have to be "proper" and composed and perfect yet super upbeat.... none of these things is anywhere near what my supposed real personality is but whatever.  So I recently came to the conclusion that being a manager is not at all what I want to be doing nor is it anything I hope to continue to do. If I really wanted that for myself I feel I would have 3 children who don't listen to me until the negotiation becomes a dictatorship and then BOOM!!! I'm required to be a micro managing mom.... To this I say,  "no thanks." Don't get me wrong there are wonderful parts to managing. The parts where I'm more of a leader than an actual manager, and the parts where I help my girls to become better sales people and teach them new things and the parts where they realize that they can make a difference in someone's life by just being their wonderful selves. Those are the parts that I love but I don't feel that they are enough to cancel out the part where I can't leave work at work and the rest of my life is affected by the miserable parts of my job.

So  I had a more professional version of this conversation to the people above me to which they replied with "if this is not a role that you want to be in or like then I cannot support you any longer in this role.  We need to find you something new..... by the 10th of the month." I was then sent on my way. What all  of this means is that I have until November 10th to find a new position in the company I am in now, seamlessly and without anyone noticing. I'm not exactly sure how I am going to do this. Its a scary scary place to be yet as I walked out of that office where the conversation took place I felt an incredible weight being lifted off of my conscious because maybe, just maybe I will find a job that allows me to be me and that I don't have to take home every night and worry about a 35% decrease ruining my reputation and my career. 

Don't get me wrong I am still terrified of not finding something in time to pay all the bills and the rent.... I just moved into a house my bruises from running into boxes and trying to lift things that are entirely to heavy are still fresh, and here I am looking for a new job... God speed I guess? 

***M

Matters of the heart

Lately I have been wondering about the games people play. Mostly because I am in this predicament that I have maybe only 1/2 been in once but that was before. Before my outlook on many things in life changed and before when men were something completely complicated and confusing to me. Now I flash a smile say something charming and bat my eyelashes and they melt like butter and alas the game ends in my favor. . . simple. I'm never a victim to the games I'm usually the one who starts, ends, and wins them before anyone knows what has happened.  They all end about the same as well, me at home alone with another dinner date under my belt, the knowledge of a place to go to get in free if I am bored on a Saturday night, and a little peeved that yet again I bought a new pair of shoes that the purchasing of them ended up being the most exhilarating and exciting part of my day. The dinner dates are never that bad(with the exception of two) they are just not what they need to be for me to really keep anyone around, so I don't. 

There is one though who completely and totally perplexes me, that the games don't necessarily work with nor, do I really want them to. Busy, has a life, doesn't call me every 30 seconds, and is ridiculously unavailable. For the first time I don't see him as something to get because he's unavailable and that would be an actual challenge. It's the sparks and the escape that he provides that keeps me going back for more. I continue to get the advice whether welcome or not to play the game, make him a lover rather than a relationship and treat him that way too. I understand the motive behind the advice and the result that is supposed to happen when I take it. It is nothing new, these are things I have done before and they work, ridiculously well to be perfectly honest. this time though, this time it is different. This time it feel as if I don't know how to play the game. I'm totally lost and feel as if every move I make is mapped out perfectly so as not to allow anything to backfire and ruin this perplexing, complicated situation. The worst part is, is that I know perfectly well that  I am setting myself up for heartbreak. Does that make me hesitate? No. Does it make me think I should let him go and find someone else? No, I keep going back for the escape and the sparks... It's incredibly stupid of me yet I don't care . . . What's a girl to do? 

***M

What I believe

I believe that bad birthdays come in two's which means next year will be good. 

I believe that in the matter of five minutes you can become more of a grown up even if it's because you did something like get rid of a ring from an ex. 

I believe that hanging out with a bunch of puppies will make your entire week better.

I believe that people never realize how crazy they made their own parents until they are a manager somewhere....anywhere

I believe that everyone deep deep down inside can actually change.... Weather or not I trust that they do is a completely different thing.

I believe that no one can lecture you about whatever kind of relationship you are in with another person for the simple fact that they don't know what really goes on when no one else is around. 

I believe that there is no such thing as an atheist.  Being an atheist means you don't worship or believe in a god of any kind well this is a little ridiculous don't you think?...everyone even the biggest atheist worships something, money, the world, fashion, art, realestate... you name it. I mean if you worship it it's your god point blank. 

I believe that a book and a cup of tea heals a bad day.

I believe that being honest and blunt is the best thing you can do for someone

I believe that you make the choice to be loved or not to be and it's up to you to make it work. 

I believe that artists will save the world because they are the only people anyone takes seriously anymore and politicians are the real joke. 

I believe that you can be independent but want to have someone around most of the time. 

I believe in dancing like no one is watching you

thats all.